There comes a point in every field of study that you have to take the class room knowledge that you have acquired and put it into practical application. You don’t HAVE to of course. You can be one of those people that make a career out of going to college and changing your major just before you get a degree so that you never have to leave the safety of what you have become accustomed to and go out into the real (and very scary) world.

My blogging began just a little over two years ago. I still have my sassy_vixen1.brave journal.com site as well as the new myspace site. I no longer go back & read those early entries. The lessons in those entries have been both added to and lessened. For an extended season I spent a lot of time observing others. More times than not there were things that would occur that I just could not fathom. Eventually I would meet someone that could put things in perspective for me.

It’s funny how the mind works. The checks and balances, the defense mechanisms. I’m not sure that I’m any farther ahead now than before I started. There are so many contradictions. One person explained it to me like this: There are two people standing 21 yards apart. Both people walk 10 yards toward each other. But there always remains that extra yard. A safe distance.

All the lessons that I have learned from others I am now turning inward. Parts of it leave me confused, others hurt, others uncomfortable, some hopeful, some hopeless, some happy, some sad. I have processed the information but I am left clueless as to what to do with it. I realize that I share these things with my children, my family, my friends. It still feels like a piece is missing from the puzzle.

I was raised in a very sheltered environment. There came a day when I was so curious about “what more” could be out there that I made a journey to lands that I had never explored before. Opened doors that it would have been better to have remained closed. Along the road I lost bits and pieces of myself and replaced them with, I don’t know what.

Maybe someone can explain a few things to me. These are still unanswered questions in my head. Everyone that I know tells me that I have great big old (emotional) walls. Those same people would tell you that I am the type of person that would do whatever I could to help a friend or a stranger in any capacity that I was needed. If I have ever been hurt it has been because I placed myself in a position to allow someone to do that. I am sympathetic, empathetic, caring, giving. How does that compute to having walls??? What else do people want? What else is there?

I know this is going to catch me some flack, but here goes. If I truly had to put a name to the type of friend that I am, it would be a “Lone Ranger” type of friend. I’m the one that waits in the wings and when someone is in need, I ride in, do my thing then ride back out to wait in the wings until I‘m needed again. There is something about that that doesn’t feel right, but I honestly don’t know why. Everyone knows that I am the one that can be counted on. Is there more to the equation that I am missing or is that the way it’s supposed to be?

Here’s one to pick sides on. I got into an animated conversation over a statement that I made. That others don’t effect my universe. I don’t mean the physical stuff, like if a drunk driver hits and kills me. That’s a given. They end your universe as you know it. I mean the here and now emotional universe. One on one. If someone decides to walk out of your life, so be it. It changes nothing in the rest of my world. People that wish to stay in it, wonderful. Those that choose to bail, ok. How can you “make” someone stay in your life if they don’t want to be there???

One person expressed it to me that there are people that they want in their life but they want them to work at it. If this person tries to walk away they want the other person to come after them. It shows them that the other person really wants them in their life. That’s some serious false mixed signals right there. Back to the last yard. Why go that last yard if the other person doesn’t want you there? How do you know if they do or they don’t? This persons response to that was, what difference does it make? Why not take the chance and see what comes of it.

You have GOT to be joking!!! Why start down a dead end road? I don’t subscribe to the ‘tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all’. That’s just a load of crap that benefits one and harms the other.

Why take the time to show someone a glimpse of how things could be just to pull the rug out from under them? That’s cruel. The time and place that someone can ripple your universe is in that last yard.

All that being said, the last yard still holds an attraction as well as an aversion. The time has expired that the last yard could have been accessible. That’s the part that I struggle with. It’s easy to ignore it while it is available but once it has become fenced off all you can do is look at it and think of the “what if’s” that are now out of reach. It’s just all bittersweet nostalgia. Nothing more.

Til next time…. Love, sassy v 

THE FRAY LYRICS

"How To Save A Life"

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life